Now We're Helping the Stupid and Poor??

Big O announced today that he's going to be helping banks lower the amount of principle owed on homes that are underwater. He also said he would be helping unemployed homeowners skip out on their mortgage payments.

Now, wait a tic. I thought this was America where people have freedom - as in the freedom to screw up and pay the price. Let's take an example: Sally owns a home in Texas. She lost her job as a bank teller because her bank went under after its underwriters gave away too many risky loans. Now sweet old Sally should have known not to work for a bank that gives away risky loans. She easily could have logged onto the google to see what all the other banks are doin. Surely there were other banks in texas not giving away ARMs, right?

Anyway, don't want to get into details about that. Sally's home value also tanked, so now she owes more than the house is worth and doesn't even have a job to pay for it. I'm sure Sally is very nice and pretty and all, but she must be single. If she had a man by her side she would have known not to buy a house just before the second biggest economic crisis in American history. Anyone could have seen that comin'!

Since Sally made all these bad decisions, that were so preventable, why do my tax dollars have to pay for her to get out? What, like stabilizing the mortgage market is actually gonna help me?

Don't worry voters, we'll continue to fight against these laws that are helping the stupid and poor people in America. Why, because we're Republicans and that's what we do!

Love
Dumbo Joe

Don't Ask Don't Lisp

Dear voters,

Closet-case Gates is making it harder to discharge his boyfriends from the military. Do we really want pansies protecting us? I'd rather have less uniforms if it means those uniforms don't come with wigs and makeup!

The only reason that every single country that has ever had an open gay policy in the military doesn't see a negative impact is because those countries are already weak. Nothing compares to the United States Military! A few queers won't hurt them over in Britain because they're all a little light in the loafers anyway. But bring a few here to our Military, and pretty soon we'll be having gay soc hops, disco clubs in Bahgdad, and drag shows up and down our aircraft carriers. We train the best, most professional soldiers in the world, but even they can't handle the glittery gayness that would ensue if we let queers hold guns.

Besides the obviousness of gays turning all of our military into pansies, they also just aren't cut out for service. Sure, they go to the gym more than most Americans. Sure they tend to be detail oriented, type-A overachievers. But those qualities have nothing to do with a successful military...we all know that!

So don't worry dear voters. Gates might be trying to get his boyfriends some leniency, but we're working hard to make sure we keep the number of US soldiers limited to better protect you.

Yours'
Dumbo Joe

We Brought Change, Dems C@#k-Blocked

Dear Voters,

I'm confounded! The bleeding heart commies complained that we weren't bringing any ideas to the table. So we proposed dozens of amendments to the bill to try to save our country, and you know what? The Libs turned into the "party of NO." They didn't agree, let alone listen, to a single amendment.

What were some of our amendments?
-Stopping queers in Washington, DC from marrying
-Taking away taxpayer money that was meant to provide subsidized healthcare to lowlifes
-Stopping some states from claiming more healthcare need than others. Do Katrina victims really need more healthcare? Grow a pair Louisiana!
-Don't make employers offer affordable health coverage to workers. This is America, not a f&$#ing resort.
-Prohibiting the use of funds to fund the election stealers over at ACORN. Even though they already folded this week, you know those tricky bastards. We need an amendment just to make sure the organization that used to be ACORN doesn't get any money.
-And one more, probably our greatest idea: To require all Members of Congress to read a bill prior to casting on a vote on the bill. We all actually patted ourselves on the back for thinking of this. Apparently the Donkeys don't like to read.

We tried to be bipartisan. We tried to get on board with all this "change" that the liberals keep talking about. But when they have it right there in front of them, they change their tune. Well I'm hear to tell you that we're not givin' up. We'll keep fighting this law. We'll keep healthcare a privilege for God's children who earn it. And if we can, we'll sneak in some other laws to get rid of the blacks and queers too.

God's Speed
Dumbo Joe

We Won't Pay for Their Coat Hangers!

Dear Voters,

Big O may be able to get his healthcare bill signed, but we've made damn sure that we're not paying for any abortions. Now I don't want to get too technical here, but there's this amendment called the Hyde Amendment. It says that federal funds can't be used for abortions, except in cases of rape or incest, or when the skirt is gonna hurt. This amendment wasn't affected by the health care bill nonsense, but you know those commies...they've got magical ways of making amendments just disappear (remember the First Amendment? Me neither...it's been so damn long since anyone has looked at it!).

So we went ahead and made sure that Obama wrote an executive order, keeping the Hyde Amendment in tact...you know, just in case it gets lost under a pile of papers. Keep up the votes and we'll keep up the good work!


Dumbo Joe

Now They NEED Health Care

Dear Voter,

The socialists wanted healthcare, and they got it not a moment too soon. Check out our hit list below and help us knock off the Dems in true republican fashion. You thought Duck Hunt was a fun game? Try Donkey Hunt!

"If we can't stick it to the sick people, we'll stick it to the queers."

Dear voters. We know we didn't succeed in keeping sick Americans sick. Don't worry - we're still walking all over the queers...even the republican ones...even the ones we occasional screw in seedy hotels.

Love,
Dumbo Joe

"Since we didn't get our way, we're going to stop going to work."

Dear voters. Since "Big O" managed to get his Armageddon-inducing health care bill through, we wanted to really stick it to him. We're now leaving work at 11am. If he thinks he can make us be bipartisan, we'll show him...by doing nothing at all.

Love,
Dumbo Joe