Don't Ask Don't Lisp

Dear voters,

Closet-case Gates is making it harder to discharge his boyfriends from the military. Do we really want pansies protecting us? I'd rather have less uniforms if it means those uniforms don't come with wigs and makeup!

The only reason that every single country that has ever had an open gay policy in the military doesn't see a negative impact is because those countries are already weak. Nothing compares to the United States Military! A few queers won't hurt them over in Britain because they're all a little light in the loafers anyway. But bring a few here to our Military, and pretty soon we'll be having gay soc hops, disco clubs in Bahgdad, and drag shows up and down our aircraft carriers. We train the best, most professional soldiers in the world, but even they can't handle the glittery gayness that would ensue if we let queers hold guns.

Besides the obviousness of gays turning all of our military into pansies, they also just aren't cut out for service. Sure, they go to the gym more than most Americans. Sure they tend to be detail oriented, type-A overachievers. But those qualities have nothing to do with a successful military...we all know that!

So don't worry dear voters. Gates might be trying to get his boyfriends some leniency, but we're working hard to make sure we keep the number of US soldiers limited to better protect you.

Yours'
Dumbo Joe